One tends to construct their reality with a balance of the actual situation and its assimilation into a framework of experiences. Being a highly logical person I needs to understand the relationship and context of the event to fully process the information. For years I struggled with the lack of logic in behavior, continually looking for patterns to begin to create a foundation of understanding. If one searched long and hard enough a criterion or pattern can be found within anything, although it may lack the needed reasoning. One can conjure a reality from nothing for I had no experience with the behavior I came to find in my home yet I found a pattern to predict it as well as a means for me to process the ramifications. For years I struggled to discover the reason, the root cause, and the rationale convinced if I found it I could better understand and possibly forgive. It took so very long to realize there is no logic to mental illness. While there may be a pattern in the behavior, a means to predict the next incident, there is no rationale or reasoning to it. For so many years I worked to accept this and to forgive, which released an immense burden. Forgiveness was such a gift to myself.
I was truly shocked at my reaction when I found that the reasons and foundations for the abusive behavior were not necessary true. What occurs when the framework you have developed for your reality is based upon lies? When one’s perception of the reason for behavior and the rationale for acceptance was based upon a farce? When that conjured reality was built upon a foundation of falsehoods that are ever shifting? Does one delve into the real truth at a risk of more pain? Would I really want to consider those moments and revive the memories I had worked so hard to reconcile?
I suppose that is a very personal response and for myself it is yes. I process my reality through knowing the answers and applying any relevant logic, somewhat personal journey to the truth. I had to look long and hard at my forgiveness to see if it was contingent upon this conjured reality or independent of the fact. Although my initial response may have appeared dismissive, it was not based in denial but fear. I needed to take pause to evaluate both my ability to maintain, my desire to know and my recall of the reality. While it may be difficult to discuss the incidents and all the pain; physical, emotional and spiritual, I feel that this will be the final step to fully release the burden from that portion of my life.
“Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality.” – Nikos Kazantzakis