I have been having a recurrent dream which is based on a memory. I have often thought of those moments in sleep as a means to learn, a way to process what you had not mastered during the daylight hours yet I am not sure what I am to learn in this instance. The memory is rooted in a very dark time, when I had struggled to find the strength to take an opportunity to walk away. A series of inconsequential events culminated in a moment where I was faced with a wrath that I had experienced before, one that I could not diffuse. There are many details that are imprinted in my mind with ferocity but there is a gap in my recall. That missing piece had haunted me until the memory got buried under strife. I keep waking with a start overcome with fear, feeling the discomfort of a strong grip on my upper arms, being shaken as a ragdoll, struggling to gain my focus and having difficulty finding my voice. While this was not the first time I had intense exchange, it was the first time there was a gap in my recollection.
I find those hours between the darkest part of night and the wee hours of morning as a place to take respite to find comfort from the shadows in my mind and work to regain my strength to continue my journey. Having lost some of those the past few weeks I struggle to find my balance. As I now live a completely different reality I wonder why I continue to revisit this in sleep. What is the lesson I need to carry away? Is it reminding me that I will never have all the pieces? Is it a reminder that I will never face that again?
“There are fleeting fits of reason between the sleep and the drinks”
–The Messenger, Brown Bird