I have struggled with this post for months, revisiting and editing it over and again. Therefore I will make one final edit with the hopes of setting it free.
I find myself at this junctions again, the point where the voices within my head can undermine my confidence and even force me from my path. I know some of those words have taken roots deep within the foundation of my psyche. Being raised in a house where expectations were high and criticism quick I learned to judge myself before others had an opportunity which is why I moved easily into a relationship where although the motivations were different, the interactions were the same.
I often feel as if I will always be damaged goods. I suppose I have always felt a bit uncomfortable in my skin, never quite sure where I fit in the world. I am happy with my life, blessed to have people I love deeply, things I enjoy doing but when I leave that security, I do not feel confident in my ability to navigate. Early in life, I learned to observe as to gain an understanding of the social norms as a way to mimic the interactions I was about to try. I suppose that my life experiences have both helped me learn to navigate the world and find a way to take respite from it too.
I do find comfort with myself, in those moments of silent solitude, I find Peace.Yet I cannot exist solely within those moments, the weight of isolation would be crushing and I seek others. At times through those interactions, I have moments where the voices in my heart and head begin to speak are no longer stilled. I understand that some of my voices are mine and mine alone, there to guide me, encouraging growth and reminding me of my journey. Others are the voices of the past, a portion of which was to make me a good person, self sufficient, determined which helped me survive in the moments of darkness. Yet there are still those which were said in moments of vulnerability, as if a strike being delivered at the most inopportune time. Those are the ones which can speak with the greatest volume carrying the power to discredit and disparage.
I struggle with the contradictory fact that others see me as an ever-constant point of strength yet I often hear that undermining voice reminding me of all the reasons I lack fortitude. Friends have informed that they never see a reaction and I was always viewed as a bastion of stability and reason. I suppose that is a result of not been in a healthy relationship for several years, learning to emotionally disengage and search for a logical solution. This can be a quite useful a skill in many situations, even an emotional survival mechanism yet I want to do more that just survive. I struggle to remain present, emotionally engaged through the fear all the while the voices are reminding me or my err, my inadequacy. They remind me of lessons I have learned; that I have little worth, that despite all my effort, there is a futility in my attempts to build relationships for I do not belong, and through objectification and inequality I learned to appease to ensure smooth waters. The voices reminding me of the dysfunction in my previous emotional and physical relationship is an always present thought which continually encourages me to analyze my relationship to others while casting an enormous shadow of self-doubt. I struggle to silent the voices, to be present in my listening and not rush to offer a solution, I am challenged to face exchanges and interactions as an opportunity for growth as opposed as a means to assess my short-comings, and I have immense uncertainty when I face intimacy. I have faith that I can love with an open heart, fully and unconditionally yet I fear I am not aware of the subtleties of interactions. I fear that the voices within myself will cause me to miss the voice of another. I hope and pray I can quite the voices and leave the self-doubt along my journey at some point.
“None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward.
Because we trust. Because we have Faith.”
― Paulo Coelho