A recent recurrent dream made me think of other incidents from my past. My initial lack of knowledge and experience with PTSD, I was unaware for years that some of the behavior being exhibited were classic symptoms. A small situation, which was seemingly insignificant to many would result in a catastrophe. Many of the mild symptoms can strain even the best of relationships; distance, lack of interest, detachment, irritability, being guarded but the escalation was unimaginable. I think of it as a perfect storm, not knowing and later not acknowledging he was struggling with PTSD, a refusal of treatment, self-medication through drug and alcohol, extreme self-loathing and guilt would all collide creating psychological and physical wreckage, some of which could never be repaired.
Although I learned many of his triggers, there were some that I never figured out. One small incident, insignificant to many would precipitate a series of event based on a past of which I was originally unaware. At times I was unaware of the cycle even beginning until it was too late to attempt to diffuse it, although it was often futile. Sometimes it was a dream or recurrent memory that arose for no apparent reason. I often discovered it when he was drinking heavily, typically including other inebriants. The longer he drank, the darker his mood became. Often at the bottom of a bottle, I would learn his motivation through hatred, anger, and wrath. In that moment of extreme darkness, I learned all the details of his past, the reasons he loathed himself. In those moments all his emotions turned to rage, generally resulting in extensive time to recover and reclaim what was destroyed.
I suppose my recent recall was founded in the details but my thoughts shifted to the implications, some of which was instant while others took time to see the damage. I also have thought often of why I tolerated such behavior. I know there was a very long time where I could have never left yet I still consider the why. I also understand the psychology of this type of relationship yet it can still make me analyze and question. Maybe there will never be an answer.
“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.”