Dance with the Antagonist


I know it can be of benefit, the little voice can goad me on, encouraging me to continually improve myself. I just cannot help but feel the saboteur is exhausting.  Maybe it was encouraging students to not undermine themselves that got me to think about my own place in the world or quite possibly a class I am taking on social cognition, either way I am taking a hard look at my place in the world. In doing so that little voice has a bit more ferocity than usual, inhibiting my ability to focus.

I am so blessed to have a life filled with joy and happiness, children, family, and friends. While I don’t often consider myself in a physical manner, as other see me, I am aware that I traded some beauty points for intelligence. The lack of consideration of myself in that form is a result of my upbringing, the judgmental nature of others and years of protecting myself emotionally but there are times it rises to the surface. For the most part  I am as comfortable as I can be with myself, I feel I can navigate well enough so why do I feel so off kilter with my place in the world.  Although I understand the necessity of civility I spent years sitting on the outside observing to learn the constructs of interpersonal relationships. I have always avoided interactions that would inhibit the self, trading respect and emotional connection for shallow interaction. So I find myself now surrounded but relationships that foster deep reverence and a fond affinity. So I am unsure why I am finding this little adversary echoing so loud in my head.

So why am I again doing this fine dance with the antagonist? Why do I let that dissenting voice weigh on my worth? Will a respite offer me some reprieve?

“You earn your value by chasing morality and practicing dignity.”
― Shannon L. Alder


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