Saddened by my Strength  

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It could quite possibly the emotions of the past week or the fact I have been very ill, enough so to not try and walk it off that I found myself in this position. After a morning filled with pain and quite possibly an anxiety attack because of its overwhelming intensity it it I found myself in the doctor’s office. I have not been in for quite some time being prone to be “healthy as a horse”  and the fact I tend to work through my illness I had not taken a sick day since I was in the hospital with a major health crisis almost three years ago. My paperwork was a bit out of date. Filing out the personal information I was just slapping my info in the blanks, she updated my name in the system and I was trucking right along until I came to the spot where I had to list my emergency contact. For some reason that made my gears come to a screeching halt and my emotions to well up.

I have been so proud of the fact I had landed squarely on my feet. While my failed marriage had its toll I had properly grieved and even gone through counseling to ensure I had my issues dealt with and get guidance on how to handle the children. I am independent, so happy in my life. I have a home I love, loving children albeit it with their individuals challenges, a good job, a PhD well on its way to completion and a few hobbies that afford me some sane personal time. I have wonderful supportive friends and family. I had survived possibly a bit ragged around the edges and not without some scars but I made it! I was grateful for the fact I could do all this on my own and with my ability to tinker, minor construction skills and a wee bit of mechanical knowledge I could maintain it all. I was strong and so proud of the fact I could do this all until I read those words, emergency contact. Who would I put? Could I just leave it blank, fill it in with family of some sorts it just struck me as something I had not even considered although I had all my other ducks in a row. Why was I suddenly so saddened by what strength I was so proud of?

Within minutes of my office visit starting I was transported to the emergency room where I was repeatedly asked, “ Is there someone you would like me to call for you?” .  To which I meekly replied no thank you. All the while I had my phone in hand filled with fear, waiting to knew more and wanting to scream, “NO, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE”. To each request I stifled the tears and politely replied, “no thank you” .  In those few moments when people were not around I was able to cry a bit. I reached out to those in my circle of support and received many offers of help, to be there, food, an ear but chose to manage this alone.  Thinking  of the mother delivering a child when her husband is in some other part of the world protecting our freedom; the cancer patient that has to take a cab to chemo because there is no one- the nurse feeling her veins with poison is the first person she has talked to in days; the elderly woman who passes away quietly in the night with no one holding vigil; the man who lock himself away for the world in sadness and fear when all he wants is to live a normal life I realized being strong enough to be independent; while I am willful enough to navigate the world alone is not a choice for some.  I went through the full gamut of tests today and was assuredly by the best medical equipment and the cardiologist that my ticker is in great shape I most assuredly know that it crumbled in a million little pieces that can never quite fit together the same way.

“From error to error one discovers the entire truth” -Freud

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