Warmth of the Sun

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Standing among the rubble, I am unsure which stone to pick up first but am well aware of the task ahead of me. I thought I was living my life as it was meant to be, based on kindness, compassion and love. Focusing on my children first, I give them all of myself, when they are home and awake I work hard to be attentive meeting their needs and setting expectations, providing structure and discipline so they will grow to be adults that learn to set personal boundaries, be productive, loving and kind. One never knows if their efforts will come to fruition until much time has passed and we pause to look back. I have given to the world, those in my life, friends and family,  as well as to strangers in hopes of leaving a little imprint.Hope that my kindness and caring can offer support, help and solace when needed. My career is centered around giving to others, my faith is based in compassion and love, my purpose was kindness; all given unconditionally with a deep empathy and endearment. Now I have stumbled, making choices to remove barriers and focus on being open giving deeply of myself may not have been the right choice.

I find myself lost, as if I cannot feel the warmth of the sun or feel the direction the wind blows.. I think of my existence and consider if I have my journey was of value. I think of how I had grieved the loss of so many things throughout my life. I remember reconciling the loss of a marriage, while still in it; the fact I was never loved in my adult life and had resigned myself to the fact I would never be. I accepted the fact my happiness was insignificant, not in the way a mother puts her children first but at my essence. I understand the overpowering feeling of loneliness in a room full of people, the effort it takes to put on a  smile to navigate in a cruel world  and the discomfort of guilt that will forever be carried. In public I often wonder people’s stories, are those two people talking over coffee really connected, why does he look so sad, how can she smile all the time, is she truly that happy.  Through all of that I was able to be strong and keep my balance, even working to deconstruct the barrier of protection I had used to buffer myself from the world, to give openly of my heart and soul. I find myself once again standing in the wasteland of hopes and dreams, questioning my purpose, my worth.

I find myself sitting among the refuse and detritus of my life, feeling as if I have crumbled, struggling to focus through the tears unsure I will ever understand. I pray and meditate for direction and the strength to move that way. For I hear that I should persist in things, to continue to care, offer compassion and give unconditionally I am unsure I have the fortitude to continue. I hope to muster the resilience to gather the stones and reconstruct the fortress, . Maybe being secured away high in a protective tower will keep me a bit closer and I can feel the warmth of the sun.

“If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won” ~Marcus Oliver Johnstone

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