Meaning Unbeknown

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There is a purpose and meaning to everything although we may not fully grasp it. I strive to comprehend for truth lies in the understanding. When that eludes me I often feel lost, working to find peace in the absence, balance in the silence.

A ladybug came to visit me again this morning. It has a personal meaning with a story and has shown up from time to time since, as if to say something. Is she reminding me of the story I was told as a child to count my blessings and show my gratitude with grace and style? Is it trying to convey its spiritual meaning, the need to release fear and return to love? Is it a sign of a different form?

The past few days my mockingbird has visited, perching herself within view to sing her melodious song. Sitting in my dogwood tree yesterday as if to tell me something, landing on my car as I was leaving to pick up a child, and in the bush as I walked into teach this morning. Is she reminding me to find my voice and speak it with grace and beauty? Does it remind me to be protecting of those I love with the same ferocity with which she protects her offspring?

I recently had a night filled with dreams of a cheetah; it was not filled with strife and struggle. She kept reaching out to me, as if trying to get my attention, rubbing on me as my house cat does. In one dream she was caged and clearly wanting to be by my side. Was this my mind telling me to pay attention? That I would need to find an inner-strength but as the cheetah, it would be a short intense time requiring immense fortitude that would soon come to an end?

I often struggle with the meaning of words as well. I feel people often veil their meanings and purpose. While this may be for a variety of reasons, concern for hurting another, one’s own lack of understanding and at times open deceit; it only results in greater confusion for me. I try, having spent many times watching and listening to see if I could grasp a connection between the words and behavior I often feel it still escapes me. Those close to me understand that I need words that align with intentions. I also appreciate the ability to have an open respectful dialogue when the confusion arrives. Maybe this comes from my training with numbers and logic or maybe it caused me to gravitate to where patterns and rationality create understanding.  Maybe one day I can stop searching for the meaning in words and actions and just stand before them as they are.

“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” ~Albert Camus

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