May has been a difficult and enlightening month….and there are 9 days left. Not sure how much more enlightenment I can handle. I sit here and look back over the past few years, I am forever grateful for this part of my journey, a gratitude that extends beyond any words I could express.
I sit here are the sun rises and think of all I have learned and all that remains unbeknown to me. Through this I have learned that even we are creatures of habit. We behave in manners we have learned, conditioned by the actions of others. As a result of a lifetime without trust, it is difficult and even scary to open one’s heart and bare one’s soul. Spending a lifetime without the reciprocation of emotion or caring it is difficult to trust that the care you are receiving now is genuine, without judgement or condition. Having a lifetime without speaking your truth, it is difficult to trust the safe place you now have wants to hear your voice, that one would want you to share your feelings, accepting with respect as opposed to judgement. I suppose it takes time and courage to overcome the ghost of ones prior life, to recondition one’s self in a new situation; that with the courage to take the risk and the time to trust in the response it can shift. It takes time and small actions to build the trust in the situation and courage to trust in ourselves too.
While we may want nothing more than what we do not have, nothing more than to find that place of love and acceptance, we can sabotage ourselves. Sitting here my crossed eyed cat comes out of the woods. He is a beautiful neighbor, apparently being stray for long enough he understand to eat while he can he wanders from house to house, clearing the dishes left on the porch. He is crisp white with a buff coloring on his ears and tail, clearly part Siamese with the blue eyes so crossed he must not be able to see past the end of his nose. We go through this dance many mornings, he comes close but just out of reach, he wants nothing more than to have someone pet him but stays just beyond my fingertips because he does not have the trust yet to know it is safe so he keeps the interaction on his terms…..maybe one morning my cross-eyes cat will find the trust or courage, only time will tell. I wonder when trust and courage can be found. At some point that cross-eyed cat may wander off without ever finding what it seeks. Is that why things are kept at bay? Will trust of ones self and the others it encounters ever be the standard in that safe place? Will that voice ever be shared without fear of reprisal or judgement? Will there ever be a time where there is enough trust to lean into the love and let it be the support when the world is too tough to face alone?
“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in.” ― Shannon L. Alder