In a session last week I was asked what asked “What is your greatest fear?” I was stumped. He followed up with, “you know, are you afraid of dying or getting a terminal illness…” listing all sorts of horrible things I never even consider. I struggled to even consider something. I was thinking of fears that one would consider obvious.
As I was formulating my thoughts to reply I realized it was related to my children. Of course I am afraid when I am not with them and as I was explaining why, I realized what it was. It is something I will never be blessed to do. I will never be able to raise my children in a home with two loving adults; al least this is lost forever with my two oldest. They will grow up and never know what a healthy relationship is. They will have no example of how to love or be loved in a healthy relationship. I am afraid they will wander off into the world to repeat the mistakes I made. To be in a loveless relationship riddled with emotional and verbal abuse.
Irrelevant of the amount of love I provide them they cannot experience a home filled with a healthy loving relationship . Although I provide structure and discipline, loving them without judgement, being there unconditionally this will never afford them the understanding of a loving relationship with another adult. Irrelevant of how hard I work and what I can provide this is something I will never be able to offer. I will not know until they are adults, I have no way to apologize for my shortcomings either. At the very least I will carry this guilt at least until my children are adults with families of their own.
“It’s come at last”, she thought, “the time when you can no longer stand between your children and heartache.” ― Betty Smith