I find my heart is filled with strife; I am struggling. It may be the lack of sleep, or the lack of structure…. or it just may be. Today I want to find respite from the world. Find some small corner to hide in, from my confusion, from my thoughts, from life. I am finished. I can no longer look at the disconnected nature of life, the shallow insignificant interactions of people at the coffeeshop, the sad empty expressions of the people at the store, the apathetic look of people you pass. I have come to the realization that my beliefs may no longer be enough to sustain me.
I am exhausted by the continual tests. My struggle with trust has been pushed, trust in others, trust in myself, trust in what I have imparted to the world, trust that the choices I made were the correct ones, trust that life is as it should be. It is difficult to have faith in what you have created. Will it protect those you care for when a loving embrace cannot? Will it sustain your children as they navigate such a harsh, apathetic world? Despite everything, have I given them enough direction to make the safe choice, enough courage to speak their truth?
It is difficult to have faith in the care kindness and compassion I impart into the world. Does it even make the smallest of ripples in the water of life? I grapple with having the faith that those you care for understand there is a safe harbor, a sanctuary they can seek reprieve from the cruelty of the world, a place to return irrelevant of their err where they will be greeted with unconditional acceptance and care. It is challenging to sustain the faith that I what I have given to the world will create more good, more love and more peace than it will the negative.
Today I feel adrift, lost in some storm or confusion, lacking the faith in my convictions. We are all human, we all stumble, all make mistakes, all are broken from time to time. It is how we collect those pieces and face our mistakes that is of essential importance, for the mistake, the brokenness is just a pathway to the learning. So why today do I feel like leaving those pieces strewn about? Why today do I so long to walk away from this life? Why am I filled with doubt that any of this is worth the effort? I hope I arise tomorrow rested with a clear mind, a rejuvenated spirit, an open heart and the courage to collect the pieces and continue.
“In deep sadness there is no place for sentimentality.”
-William S. Burroughs