Standing Vulnerable

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I have been characterized as being strong and while there are times I might agree because to have arrived at this point in life I have had to draw on my inner strength, I am not always driven by strength nor courage.  I look back on my life, especially the recent past and see there are times of personal struggle that I chose to cling to my fear in a moment of weakness as opposed to being courageous, being vulnerable. That realization was again brought to the forefront when I read a quote by Hazrat Inayat Khan, “God breaks the heart open again and again until it stays open”.  So contemplating the meaning I realized that although I try to silence the world and do what feels right in my heart I had times when I chose to close myself off, wrap myself in fear, and turn away from my vulnerability not because I did not trust another. Was I was assessing the world based my past and not on its potential? Was I not able to trust myself, my inner voice?

Why are we so motivated to action by fear for it is just a feeling? We clearly have become a culture that thrives on fright, just watch the national news. Why do we cling so tightly to our fear and pain? Why can we not put the same effort into our blessing? Why do we allow ourselves to not listen to our inner voice but quiet what we know to be true in our hearts to stand distress, filled with trepidation, to be avoidant of the risk? I understand that when you stand vulnerable you leave yourself wide open, you are trusting someone else to be a steward of what you leave exposed, you are leaving yourself available to be hurt. I get the reasons I had trust issues but again I am assessing my life by a yardstick someone else gave me. To be truly vulnerable is one of the greatest strengths a person can have; it demonstrates they know their worth, are comfortable in their own skin and know the reward will far outweigh the risk. To say I am going to risk it all to be true to myself takes a type of bravery that is difficult to find.  I know I am afraid of being hurt but is it better to not have even taken the chance? After spending years of proving I am worthy, even as a child I fought hard to prove I could succeed, I would meet those expectations, I was good enough, am I now afraid to know that what I have to offer is not enough, that I am not lovable? Why would I keep my truth bottled up within myself when in the moments of quiet I hear it is time to share?

So I found myself facing a choice, to either silence my inner voice, ignoring my truth, and hide from my heart allowing fear to become a roadblock, this burden holding me back from living life as it was intended, or to face my fear, choose vulnerability, and bare my soul. I chose to live my life through love, to share what I felt at my core before I tuck it away in the depths of my heart to be lost forever. Fear is all about what someone else can offer, what another can cause while love is all about what you can offer another, what you will leave in the world. Love isn’t about me, it is about the proverbial you, all about what I can impress on the world, not about what I have to lose. I will muster all my courage and speak my truth, I will let out into the world what I feel, why I care, and offer what I have to give, I stand with my soul bare; I will stand before my world as vulnerable as one can be. What shall become of this, what will come of my vulnerability I suppose time will tell but in the moment afterwards, there will come a peace of knowing you have put your truth into the world.

“Hold on to what you believe in the light when the darkness has robbed you of your sight”

Mumford and Sons

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