Decisions, Decisions, Decisions…..

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I am the type of chicka who commits to doing something, who is all in, be it work, relationships, friendships, passions, volunteer work if I begin something it is with all my heart and soul.  I struggle to walk away. When you have me, you have my whole heart, all my effort, all my compassion, empathy, and kindness.  I do not believe in half-assing anything for that means we shortchange ourselves; you undermine the gift of opportunity. I think this is a direct result of my mother’s encouragement, knowing what I can do, encouraging me to achieve it and more. If we only meet life half-way we lose out on the experience, what was meant, we do not encounter our truth as it is intended, growth is stifled, and we can suffer.

When I was younger it 168had everything to do with being hell-bent on not losing but now it is only focused on doing what is right, what serves a greater purpose; the vanity of youth has long since left me. I know people who wander through life following the path of least resistance, who at the first struggle just up and leave. I know others that have mastered futility and will persist at a lost cause to their own demise. Do you know where you fall on that continuum? I often think that I would not battle for a lost cause, but how do I know? I would hope I would dig my heels in and work through the muck and mire of something that was important to me but can I be sure? How can I discern between mere doubt of an anxious mind and true fruitlessness. Sometimes we are faced with the choice to free ourselves or we suffer and other times our simple choice turns into a lifetime of regret.

At any given moment on out journey we are faced with the decision to try harder, to continue forward or to walk away. All those wonderful inspirational quote about walking away when it no longer serves you, about not owing anyone anything, but what if there is a purpose we do not see?  Are we making the choice to stay out of fear of the unknown?  We are creatures of habit, preferring predictability, averse to fear. Do we throw in the towel too easily? Some of us are concerned that things get difficult means it will never be easy again, others of us are fear the past will replicate itself, judging the present situation based on the measuring-stick given to us be another. I have faced all of those situations in my lifetime. The reality is life is one struggle after the next, one long string of choices, one set of opportunities to say, “Should I stay or should I go.”

So I now find myself at this intersection. I have two paths before me, both foggy so the outcome is unclear. So the trick is to still the mind, to turn off all the rational arguments on which choice is best, to not fall into the comfort of predictability, to turn away from guilt and toward love,  to not let the noise of the outside world influence my thought,  to let that little voice speak with veracity and conviction because those words are typically my truth.  So in my moments of peace, in prayer, I still hear wait, I feel the need to be patient which contradicts those logical arguments and all the noise the world.  So shall I stay, try harder or shall  I go……

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” -Elizabeth Appell

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