Sitting here waiting for the sun to rise the night noises are my constant companion. An unwanted from my sadistic friend Insomnia; she has once again arrived at the most inopportune time and is outstaying her welcome. I am sitting here thinking of a moment when I was a child and had to be pulled from the water, that felling of no matter how hard you fought you could not stay on the surface, the fear because you know what failing in that moment means, and becoming too tired to fight any longer. I wonder what one’s last thoughts are, when then go below the surface for one last time.
I am so tired
…tired of fighting so hard to stay above the surface
…tired of being the strong one
…tired of smiling when I feel like I fell like I am crumbling
…tired of reassuring others when I am so unsure
…tired of my anxious mind always thinking, trying to understand
…tired of feeling like I am damaged
…tired of not being enough; pretty enough, good enough…
…tired of not having a place to take respite, if only for a moment
…tired of keeping this all inside, to myself
…tired of not knowing whether to continue or just give up
…tired of struggling so hard to keep my grasp on hope.
“Faith begins where Reason sinks exhausted.” – Albert Pike