Last night I came in from an evening in the studio and was feeling more peaceful. Saw a few friends from the artist community and created a decent piece of work. I grabbed a quick shower and felt the need to go sit on the front porch and listen to the night noises, since it was pretty cool there were no bugs. As I sat down in my pj’s with a glass of water a cool misty rain began to fall but it felt so good I just decided to sit and enjoy.
I found myself gravitating back toward the topic of why I had such a difficult day. There were no obvious triggers, no bad dreams, no confrontations so what caused it? I think it was much like muscle memory, something I did not even notice caused me to return to old patterns of thinking. The further I distance myself from my former life the more difficulty I have when those moments arrive. It was explained to me that the patterns are easy to fall into and the further from the event one gets the less likely they are to recur but the ferocity of their arrival will feel greater because I am no longer acclimated to them. I understand that, all the events this spring that aligned, and my resulting fallout but it does not make it easier when it returns in small waves. I sat there contemplating how this time it was short lived and I was concerned it would be there again in the morning, like this unwanted guest that arrives as she wishes.
As my thought meandered the rain fell harder, it was a cold rain and as it fell it began to sting a bit. Quickly I was soaked to the core, being cold and pelted by the stinging rain I realized how it felt, how I felt….I felt. I want to feel so much; to feel everything I had missed and to feel nothing painful, to feel happy, balanced, and peaceful, I want to feel loved and to love, I want to fell normal, to feel I have found my place. In that moment I felt I found an answer on my path, I felt a bit of peace. In that moment my thoughts were dancing with a bit of joy in the rain.
“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature nor do child ren as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is not safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”
– Helen Keller