People have an aversion to tragedy. Not initially, they typically like to rubberneck just like with an interstate accident, its the your personal tragedy on the highway of life. People will descend when there is an issue, offer great words of advice all the while observing how you’re handling it, collect the pertinent information, and then like vultures that have picked through your emotional carnage fly away to the next sad story. I have seen it with others and experienced it myself. In those early stages it is easy to toss around quip shallow advice but when the pity wears off people are struck with fear. They arrive at the realization that it could have easily been their life turned upside down, their marriage in shambles, their job lost, the death could have been their loved one, or the diagnosis could have been theirs as easily as it is yours. Then the fear sets in and they retreat often finding some reason not to weather the storm with you. I remember a time when I was all alone and traversing that made me strong but there is still a twinge of fear that once again I will be left alone. Maybe this is the reason I fight so hard to support those I care about. I too have faced this and the amount of courage it takes to see someone through the difficult time can feel insurmountable. Holding space for someone you hold dear is difficult, offering support in the midst of your own struggles takes effort and patience that can be difficult to find. I understand from experience and also realize there are some moments when you have nothing left to give but your honesty and your time because one’s presence can make all the difference.
Now I have found myself struggling to not retreat. I have been fighting to stand steady and hide behind the remnants of my garden wall but I dare say it is time to surrender and withdraw. I feel that my true self needs to find a bit of safety as to not be disappointed because I am unsure I can traverse this challenge while being cast away at the same time. Unfortunately my true self, the one I have fought so hard to help survive cannot seem to muster the courage to stand vulnerable while trying to right my world.
This song seems to say what my genuine self wants to express to the world before I put on my facade of normalcy and proceed protected. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to try again.
“Protect your spirit, because you are in the place where spirits get eaten.”- John Trudel